Kryptonite Twinkies
by Teri
Summary: Sometimes making the right choice can be harder than it looks. It's Halloween time again and in light of Soldier guy last Halloween Xander wants to make sure he picks just the right costume. Can't be too hard? Can it?


Kryptonite Twinkies  
_A Buffy: The Vampire Slayer Story_  
By Teri

Summary: Sometimes making the right choice can be harder than it looks. It's Halloween time again and in light of Soldier guy last Halloween Xander wants to make sure he picks just the right costume. Can't be too hard? Can it?

Dedicated to Paradigm Shifter and his giant magnet.

Disclaimer: The author is not associated with the owners or creators of Buffy or any other character mentioned. No harm is intended to the copyright holders. This story was written for my own amusement and hopefully the enjoyment of others.

" " " " "

How could it possibly be that time of year again? It can't be almost Halloween! It was just Halloween, well this time last year. Can I just ignore it this year? Doubt it. I'd probably make things worse. Luck of the Xander and all.

What I really need to do is to pick out just the right costume. Something that I won't loose myself in, but something where I could still be useful if last year was a repeat. AND don't tell me that the Hellmouth doesn't repeat. It does. We get the same pattern all the time. I mean come-on, a new bad guy ever Tuesday? It just sings a pattern to me. The more things change the more they stay the same and all that.

I should go as James Bond. "Shaken, not stirred". All right, I know what you are thinking. You doubt that I, Xander, King of the Cretins, has ever read an Ian Flemming novel in my life. Well, you're right! I just watched a marathon though last night on TBS.

Wait, I get it. You are wondering how I even knew who wrote James Bond. Well, can't a guy have a few secrets?

What would it be like if I went as James Bond?

Buffy would ask me, "Who are you?"

"Bond. James Bond." I would respond, mimicking a fake-y British accent, with every ounce of cool sophistication I could muster.

Go ahead and laugh, but I can be cool when I want to be.

Sure James would be an asset, but what would happen the next morning?

I'd walk into the Library and in a perfect British Standard accent ask, "say Giles, can I have some tea?"

"Xander?" Giles would ask in surprise.

"Harris. Alexander Harris." I would reply quite seriously.

Giles would just look at me oddly for a while before I decided to explain, "It seems to be an unfortunate side-effect of the costume last night. I seem to be British now."

Giles would smile with genuine delight, patting me on the back. "Well, congratulations. I am so proud. To celebrate, I will help you pick out your first tweed suit."

Sadly, I'd tell him, "quite sporting of you, old man. Shall we?"

Nope. I'm not going as anyone British - way too scary to comprehend.

Course that won't be a problem if I just go as Batman. He'd be a huge help. The Dark Knight against the forces of Darkness. Course, the morning after could be a problem.

Oh, yeah I could see it now.

I'd wake up wanting some food, but being Batman I could no longer cook as it seemed that cooking was the only skill Batman lacked.

'Oh, for Alfred.' I'd mutter, sighing extravagantly.

I'd have all these ideas for gadgets, BatStakes, BatHolyWater, BatGarlic, etc., but where would I find the money to fund these projects? Sure Wayne knew business and I would to, but it is different starting from scratch than being richer than Bill Gates to start with.

On the other hand I could end up as Bruce Wayne not Batman. Well, if I ended up as the playboy at least I'd have fun. Buffy on one arm and Cordelia on the other, might be worth it at that.

hmmm . . .

What? Can't a guy have his fantasies? Fine.

Maybe I'd be safer dressing up as me?

Course if I did that, I could end up as the Xander people think I am rather than the me that is really me. Then maybe I really would be good for nothing more than donuts?

The philosophical implications of this idea make my head hurt.

Okay, something else. Ah, Fred Flintstone. I can't even imagine that one.

Moving on.

A vague image of looking for the water buffalo lodge was more than enough.

Stick with the idea, Xan. Something useful.

I could go as Buffy.

No. Can't do that. Wouldn't do that. Not a good idea. No. Fate worse then death. Like my plumbing just the way it is. Thank you very much.

Think of something else - anything else. Even Deadboy would be a better choice.

Oh yeah, in the morning I would be the walking dead or like hair gel and brooding way too much. In fact, not really sure which would be worse.

Maybe I should ask my Girls for help?

Yeah, that is what I will do.

" " " " "

"Dress as something safe," Willow advised.

"Why don't you go with a business man? I am sure Giles has a suit he could offer you?" Buffy suggested.

An idea worth considering for a moment. I can see it now.

I would dress as one of the only businessmen I know.

I could just see the morning conversation when the others took in my new appearance.

"Xander?!" Willow looked in shock. "What happened to your hair!"

"My hair?" I would ask in confusion.

Buffy would explain. "Yeah, looks like your hair walked out on you. You're bald."

"Xander, just who did you go as last night?" That was Wills.

I don't want to tell them. Maybe if I mutter it low neither of them will understand me?

"What?"

Buffy was getting mad at me. Guess I better tell her.

"I said Lex Luther, Okay?!"

"Any side effects we should know about?" Giles finally asked.

Nice to know you can always count on Giles to be practical.

"Well, no hair, a real desire to own a Porsche, an unusual fondness for any thing lavender or purple, but on the other hand," I give them a sardonic smile that was a new expression for me, "I have a pretty good chance that I will end up being President of the United States of America."

Oh, yeah, that would go over well with the others.

Although President Alexander Harris is an interesting thought.

"You big dork, there are other businessmen in the world. Actually, there are businessmen that exist in the real world. You understand life outside of comics?" Buffy chastised.

Life outside of comics? Is she serious? Right, and besides Buffy the Vampire Slayer is so much more believable.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Couldn't you just see it?" I pause for a moment picturing the scene. "The morning after I walk in here. I take my hand and make some weird little motion and say 'Buffy, you're fired.' Then you kill me and the world goes on. No, thank you."

Willow was just laughing at me now. "Donald Trump?"

I shrug. What more can I say?

"I'll come up with something. Thanks for your help guys." I smile at them and decide to go to the mall to look over the costumes to see if I could get any ideas.

" " " " "

On Halloween evening . . .

I finally made up my mind. It was really the only reasonable choice. Now, if I can just convince Buffy that I took her advice about my costume. She didn't want me to try to be a hero.

The door opened and there's Buffy. She almost seems to be checking me out. Cool.

Well, she probably noticed that I am wearing a pair of black framed glasses and my hair is a little messed up. She may also notice that I am in a gray suit with a loud tie. She seems to be looking at my tie oddly. I glance down and notice that my tie isn't in the full upright position and the top button is still undone. Oops?

"Xander, just who are you suppose to be?"

I really hope she didn't see any signs of my blue tee shirt peeking out from under my collar.

I give her a half smile as I adjust my tie. "Oh, thought I would take your advice this year and go with something plain and boring. Just your standard, mild mannered, reporter from a great Metropolitan newspaper."

Buffy seems to be buying my story. Luckily, the Buffster isn't into comic books.

Now, I only hope that Twinkies aren't this world's answer to Kryptonite.

"" "" "" "" ""

_Please don't throw stuff at me. Happy Halloween!_

_Teri (10/31/04)_


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